the april cold
April is the cruellest month, breedingLilacs out of the dead land, mixing
Memory and desire, stirring
Dull roots with spring rain.
~"The Waste Land: I. The Burial of the Dead", T.S. Eliot
It was terribly cold today, so much so that I had to dig my winter coat and scarf out! Before I stepped out the door, "current conditions" were "5 deg C, feels like 0". Isn't it spring? Perhaps April truly is the cruellest month, taunting all with its fluctuating weather. (The day after tomorrow's temperature is slated to hit a high of 16 deg C!!)
Anyway, I stepped out into the bitter cold from a day of frustrating unfruitful studying, but so thankfully, I returned from OCF with a warmth within and no complaints. For it was truly wonderful being there at Strand and hearing Mark's sharing about the profoundly simple humble act of washing another's feet that Jesus performed all those years ago, and that the new president mirrored tonight. Amazing.
Just read someone's blog entry, an acquaintance. He was basically ranting about life, how he felt like no one cared enough, how useless he felt, how the future was so undecided, how being surrounded by overachievers was stifling, even how he felt that others would be judging him as they read... It was a highly irrational rant, and he probably knew that because as far as I know he is a pretty rational person, but really, everyone needs to let it all out sometimes don't they?
And at some level or other, I'm sure everyone can identify. It's so easy to feel alone in a huge city like London, so easy to feel belittled amongst so many intelligent minds, so easy (so dangerous) to come to the conclusion that the Maker stands aloof of all these little hurts. At least, I know I've felt like that awhile back.
But in the pages of my explore notes, Psalm 77 was a reminder to me, to remember, remember the truth. "I cried out to God for help; I cried out to God to hear me. When I was in distress, I sought the Lord;" (verses 1, 2) are the words of the psalmist in his hour of crisis, he was troubled to the extent of doubting God, "Will the Lord reject forever?" he asks, "Has his unfailing love vanished forever?" But then, he is brought round. "I will remember the deeds of the Lord; yes I will remember your miracles of long ago. I will meditate on all your works and consider all your mighty deeds." (verses 11,12)
I guess I've always got to remember the countless ways God has been so real to me, all that He's been to me and done for me, and above all the facts of the Gospel, that Jesus died and rose again, and the great love behind that singularly important moment in history. Yep.
I seem to have cultivated a habit of posting song lyrics here, but why not another one? (:
I Am
by Nichole Nordeman
Pencil marks on a wall, I wasn't always this tall
You scattered some monsters from beneath my bed.
You watched my team win, and watched my team lose
Watched when my bicycle went down again
When I was weak, unable to speak, still I could call You by name
And I said Elbow Healer, Superhero, come if you can
You said, I Am
Only sixteen, life is so mean
What kind of curfew is at 10 pm?
You saw my mistakes and watched my heart break
Heard when I swore I'd never love again
When I was weak, unable to speak, still I could call You by name
And I said Heartache Healer, Secret Keeper, be my best friend
You said, I Am
You saw me wear white by pale candlelight
I said 'forever' to what lies ahead
Two kids and a dream, with kids that can scream
Too much it might seem when it is 2 am.
When I was weak, unable to speak, still I could call You by name
Oh, Shepherd Savior, Pasture Maker, hold on to my hand
You said, I Am
The winds of change and circumstance
Blow in and all around us
So we find a foothold that's familiar
And bless the moments that we feel You nearer
When life had begun I was woven and spun
You let the angels dance around the throne
Who can say when, but they'll dance again
When I am free and finally headed home
I will be weak, unable to speak,
still I will call You by name
Creator, Maker, Life Sustainer
Comforter, Healer, My Redeemer
Lord and King, Beginning and the End
I Am, I Am
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