surprised by joy

grace!

Save me, O God,
for the waters have come up to my neck
I sink in the miry depths,
where there is no foothold.
I have come into the deep waters;
the floods engulf me.
I am worn out calling for help;
my throat is parched.
My eyes fail,
looking for my God

But I pray to you, O LORD,
in the time of your favour;
in your great love, O God,
answer me with your sure salvation.
Rescue me from the mire,
do not let me sink;
deliver me from those who hate me,
from the deep waters.
Do not let the floodwaters engulf me
or the depths swallow me up
or the pit close its mouth over me.
Answer me, O Lord, out of the goodness of your love;
in your great mercy turn to me.
Do not hide your face from your servant;
answer me quickly, for I am in trouble.
Come near and rescue me;
redeem me because of my foes.

Those are two sections from Psalm 69 (vs1-3, vs 13-18) where King David in his affliction earnestly begs for God to relieve and succour him. But the psalmist ends off with a voice of joy and praise, and the glory that shall follow Christ's coming.

Just wanted to put on record a wonderful story Joanne told at ocf last night during our small group session:

There was once a woman who murdered several times. She was put in jail, and sentenced to be executed. During her time in jail, she came to know the Lord as her saviour, she became a Christian. As her execution date drew near however, she grew very fearful: The sins I've committed are so great, greater than all those people outside, I murdered people, what if God cannot forgive that? What if He cannot give me salvation after all? I did not just sin, I sinned terribly, what if Jesus dying for me was not enough?

Her christian worker and counsellor then told her to imagine this:
Imagine a beach, next to the sea, waves lapping at the shore. From far it looks perfect, soft sand stretching for miles, but then you realise that on this beach are plenty of holes. Some are tiny, perhaps like those made by crabs making their way along the seaside, some are medium sized, like those dug when building sandcastles maybe, and some are huge deep pit-holes, which if one should fall into, it would be difficult to get out. But, when the tide comes in, huge waves covering that strip of beach with many holes, all the holes, big or small, are completely covered by the tide of the ocean.

I thought that was a beautiful illustration. For that is how grace is. Grace does not depend on how small or big the holes in our lives are. Even the "perfect" smooth sandy parts in our lives are covered over in entirety by the tide of God's grace. There is no such thing has needing more of grace because you have sinned more terribly, grace comes and covers a multitude of sins, and comes regardless of how much good, or bad, you've done in your life. There is no room for self-gratification, saying that yes I deserve this amount of grace because I am this good or not that bad a person; there is no room for self-condemnation either, saying that I’m too bad for any atonement for sins. Jesus’ act of atonement and sacrifice on the cross was once, for all. For all have sinned, and though it varies in magnitude according to the consequences one faces on this earth, in the eyes of a holy God, sin is just sin. And so, it is only by grace.

"For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith - and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God- not by works, so that no one can boast." Ephesians 2:8,9 “What shall we say, then? Shall we go on sinning so that grace may increase? By no means! We died to sin, how can we live in it any longer?” Romans 6:1,2

posted by Shi Ning @ 11:32 0 comments

loved

I am loved. And that is a great comfort, especially when trying to cram in about four one point five inch thick textbooks worth of economics, mathematics and philosophy in my brain that is far from saturation point, but stubbornly rejects more knowledge. Yes I am loved and I love them! For helping me from halfway across the globe, for emails short and sweet, for phone calls, for funny msn conversations, and telling me I look like a fat ghost (!), I love love love the five of them, who are easily the dearest people to me.

Also, I am loved by my heavenly Father! "Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." Matthew 6:34 That passage from matthew six is easily as beautiful as psalm 23 in its message of comfort, and when told to go read it yesterday, I was reminded of 野地的花 and a lovely song sandra from ocf composed based on it. The lilies of the field are dressed in all their splendour/The birds of the air do not harvest or labour... I am more precious to Jesus Christ my Lord/how much more He will care for me...

Thankful too for little memories- walking home from sainsbury's with chocolate and raspberry cookies and royal gala apples and feeling very happy, I turned the corner onto gower street and right before me was the ONE WAY sign! (which has always been there actually) and then suddenly all the memories of the bubbly happy affectionate kids in philippines came flooding back! What I would give to see them sing (or shout/scream) 'walk walk walk walk in the light!' with such joy and energy again. Met ate (elder sis in tagalog) joy (and her little sister pretty pretty evalyn!) online the other day, and she tells me that there are now fifty or so of these children who meet at flor's for bible classes every weekend, that is, both saturday and sunday! And though it was only a week that I was there, and I haven't seen/spoken to them in ages, I love those children- they've provided my definition of what being 'super on' is. (:

posted by Shi Ning @ 22:09 0 comments

suffering

Horrid horrid nausea, pain and frequent toilet runs have characterised the past few days, but especially today, and I'm ready to give up all attempts to study!! My messed up insides cannot even manage half a truly-indulgent-triple-choc-cookie!! And, as if being controlled by your intestinal systems isn't sufficient to induce utter helplessness, just swallowing horrid ultracarbon charcoal tablets (and not by choice either) is enough to spark off another bout of toilet visits, believe it or not. :(

Don't call me poor thing because I am frustrated and angry and not seeking sympathy! And, I don't want to visit the doctor because I just don't. want. to! What's more, having to learn my IS-LM curves all over again is infuriating and enough to make me feel a tinge of regret creep back in. Oh dear, I really am so so tired.... but shining you're going to have to absolutely stop ranting this moment, like right NOW!!

Hrmph. Still, if this is to be the greatest extent of suffering I'll experience(and I can assure you that though I'm not sneezing endlessly or weak and bed-ridden, it's been one of the most draining of the times I've taken ill), but, if this is the worst of it, and considering I've not ever fallen really really ill since arriving in London (pollution, weather and all), I am truly blessed.

makarios.

A grudging attempt at venting it all out and putting things into perspective with gratitude, but I now do feel truly grateful. Well, that didn't take long! Back to studying.

posted by Shi Ning @ 17:57

the april cold

April is the cruellest month, breeding
Lilacs out of the dead land, mixing
Memory and desire, stirring
Dull roots with spring rain.
~"The Waste Land: I. The Burial of the Dead", T.S. Eliot

It was terribly cold today, so much so that I had to dig my winter coat and scarf out! Before I stepped out the door, "current conditions" were "5 deg C, feels like 0". Isn't it spring? Perhaps April truly is the cruellest month, taunting all with its fluctuating weather. (The day after tomorrow's temperature is slated to hit a high of 16 deg C!!)

Anyway, I stepped out into the bitter cold from a day of frustrating unfruitful studying, but so thankfully, I returned from OCF with a warmth within and no complaints. For it was truly wonderful being there at Strand and hearing Mark's sharing about the profoundly simple humble act of washing another's feet that Jesus performed all those years ago, and that the new president mirrored tonight. Amazing.

Just read someone's blog entry, an acquaintance. He was basically ranting about life, how he felt like no one cared enough, how useless he felt, how the future was so undecided, how being surrounded by overachievers was stifling, even how he felt that others would be judging him as they read... It was a highly irrational rant, and he probably knew that because as far as I know he is a pretty rational person, but really, everyone needs to let it all out sometimes don't they?

And at some level or other, I'm sure everyone can identify. It's so easy to feel alone in a huge city like London, so easy to feel belittled amongst so many intelligent minds, so easy (so dangerous) to come to the conclusion that the Maker stands aloof of all these little hurts. At least, I know I've felt like that awhile back.

But in the pages of my explore notes, Psalm 77 was a reminder to me, to remember, remember the truth. "I cried out to God for help; I cried out to God to hear me. When I was in distress, I sought the Lord;" (verses 1, 2) are the words of the psalmist in his hour of crisis, he was troubled to the extent of doubting God, "Will the Lord reject forever?" he asks, "Has his unfailing love vanished forever?" But then, he is brought round. "I will remember the deeds of the Lord; yes I will remember your miracles of long ago. I will meditate on all your works and consider all your mighty deeds." (verses 11,12)

I guess I've always got to remember the countless ways God has been so real to me, all that He's been to me and done for me, and above all the facts of the Gospel, that Jesus died and rose again, and the great love behind that singularly important moment in history. Yep.
I seem to have cultivated a habit of posting song lyrics here, but why not another one? (:

I Am
by Nichole Nordeman

Pencil marks on a wall, I wasn't always this tall
You scattered some monsters from beneath my bed.
You watched my team win, and watched my team lose
Watched when my bicycle went down again
When I was weak, unable to speak, still I could call You by name
And I said Elbow Healer, Superhero, come if you can
You said, I Am

Only sixteen, life is so mean
What kind of curfew is at 10 pm?
You saw my mistakes and watched my heart break
Heard when I swore I'd never love again
When I was weak, unable to speak, still I could call You by name
And I said Heartache Healer, Secret Keeper, be my best friend
You said, I Am

You saw me wear white by pale candlelight
I said 'forever' to what lies ahead
Two kids and a dream, with kids that can scream
Too much it might seem when it is 2 am.
When I was weak, unable to speak, still I could call You by name
Oh, Shepherd Savior, Pasture Maker, hold on to my hand
You said, I Am

The winds of change and circumstance
Blow in and all around us
So we find a foothold that's familiar
And bless the moments that we feel You nearer

When life had begun I was woven and spun
You let the angels dance around the throne
Who can say when, but they'll dance again
When I am free and finally headed home
I will be weak, unable to speak,
still I will call You by name
Creator, Maker, Life Sustainer
Comforter, Healer, My Redeemer
Lord and King, Beginning and the End
I Am, I Am

posted by Shi Ning @ 23:48 0 comments